Before the ball drops.......

Currently listening to: Dwight David " The Last Dragon "

      2008 is coming to a close and everyone is going into their New Year's resolutions. I never really been big on that concept because nobody ever sticks to them. I always figured as long as I grow as a man then I've had a successful year. As far as that is concerned, I can say 2008 has had very mixed results. I have definitely seen the growth within myself but I also recognize that I got a lot more room to grow. I'm slowly turning into the man I need to be for myself and possibly my future family. I no longer feel the need to go out to the club, bar, or lounge whenever 1 of my homies hits me up. I enjoy my own company way more than I ever have in the past. I do know I do a lot more reading so I will be frequenting Barnes & Noble, Borders, and other bookstores in 2009. I do kind of secretly have a New Year's resolution but I'll only reveal it if I actually get it accomplished.  So I'd like to wish anyone who reads this a happy New Year & I hope that if you make a New Year's resolution that you will accomplish it.  God Bless

Not enough words.......

Currently listening to: R. Kelly " It Seem Like You're Ready "

First and foremost, if you can figure out that brain teaser then there no need to keep reading this blog post. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm all about my pride. There have been more times in my life than I can count that my pride has gotten me into some deep shit. A good friend of mine had the nerve to challenge my pride and my manhood. She dared me to just fully express myself to a certain someone who I have mentioned in my blog on countless occasion. Now that I think about it, it's rather sad that it takes someone to challenge my pride/manhood in order for me to take this step forward but I mean shit happens for a reason. I know I am perfectly capable of doing the act of just letting everything out but I doubt that I am really ready for a response. I'm not even seeking any recourse, this is something I realize that I need to do for myself and my own development. So regardless of whatever happens, moments like this are helping to shape the man I will be 5, 10, or 15 years from now. I don't think there are enough words in any language for me to fully get my point across but I will attempt to do exactly that. Stay tuned in the movie which I consider my life because there is never really a dull moment............

Much more......

Currently listening to: Usher " U Got It Bad "

      Anyone remember the catch phrase from Transformer, ".... more than meets the eye "?? Well that's a phrase I fell can describe me very accurately. I realize that I'm getting older a lot sooner than I'm getting younger and I'm really settling into who I am as a man. Even though I'll be the first person to admit I still carry several childish tendencies that doesn't make me anything short of a man. So I will not allow anyone to address me as anything but that. I feel I do a pretty good job of respecting people even though we all have our moments. I give people the utmost respect until I'm given a reason not to follow through with that action. I've never been a big believer in the whole horoscope/astrology thing but I have the biggest Gemini trait ever. I'm not two-faced like most people think of Geminis but I do have two very different sides. As time goes on, I kind of wish I had a time machine and see where my life will be in 5 years. There are some things going in my life and around me that I'd like some insite on. I know that I'm definitely the most shy/cocky person anyone may ever come across. That goes into my Gemini traits again. I have the utmost confidence when approaching most situations but at the same time I have a very deep dislike of rejection. I'm not going to say I fear rejection because I fear nothing short of God and being shot but you get my point. I know looking at myself in the mirror that I am nothing like what my appearance may lead people to believe about me. So I just end this by saying, never judge a book by it's cover. Read a couple of pages before you decide to make an judgement about it.

I'm tryna.......

Currently listening to: Jadakiss feat. Neyo " Right By My Side "

       I remember hearing someone tell me when I was younger that if you tell yourself something enough then you will begin to believe it. I've come to realize that only works if you want to believe the lie(s) you are telling yourself. There are times when this philosophy has worked for me in helping to forget certain emotionally stressing moments. Now I suppose that I have to just take the first step forward or  just keep telling myself the same lie. The former is step into the direction of me not being so stubborn and just move in the direction I want to go in. While the latter, is me just deciding to beat a dead horse. I know I will never believe this one lie I've been telling myself for quite some time. When did shit get so fuckin' complicated!?!? I need to just go back to when I just didn't give a fuck about how my life ended up as along I was still alive.

Longest Day Ever.....

Currently listening to: Jay-Z featuring Beanie Sigel " Ignorant Shit "

                Yesterday was my 1st trip to the infamous Atlantic City, New Jersey. Now being that I've lived in New Jersey my whole life and I've been old enough to gamble for 3 years you would think that I would have been down there several times. Needless to say, it was my 1st time and I will say that I love it down there. Even though I came home about $200 poorer than I was when the day started but I had a great time. At first I wasn't going to go down there because I been trying to save money but then I realized it was only for 1 day so I decided to go. This guy I work with had a fight down there cause he does M.M.A. (mixed martial arts) so a lot of my fellow supervisors decided to go down and show him some love. I knew the day would be a long day once we met up at the job and this dude I'll call "Shame" forgets his/another guy's ticket for the fight at his house. 1st of all, "Shame" got a ride to our job so which means someone had to take him back home and secondly he live 25 minutes away from our job. Fortunately, this other guy I'll call "Marine" took "Shame" home & picked up 2 more guys. Nothing eventful happened on the way down besides the driver "Ginnie" admitting he was going to buy a hooker if he didn't bag a bitch at the bar. We got down to Atlantic City in just under 2 hours which is pretty good time being that "Ginnie" stopped like 4 times to smoke cigarettes. Somehow after we checked in the rest of the crew get there 10 minutes after us when they had to go in the opposite direction of the Garden State Parkway to get tickets & pick up "Squirrel"/"Dirty". Once everyone got in we went down to get some food at Hooters which was another 1st for me. Their wings are pretty good... I mean they ain't the best wings ever but they are pretty damn good.  After that the gambling began and I started to play roulette. I must say roulette has to be the gayest shit ever. It all fuckin' luck!!!! I need some shit that requires some skills or something I can cheat at. I won a little bit of money at the roulette table but then I went on to play blackjack. Blackjack was treating me good once I learned the house rules. I got restless from gambling after like 3 hours and decided to go back upstairs to chill before the fight started. When I get upstairs it looks like a battlefield in both rooms. "Squirrel" is layed out across the bed and in the next room "Shame" is babbling about absolutely nothing at all.  This other guy who comes with us, I'll call him "YB" is stumbling around the room in a drunken daze. "Shame" starts smacking "YB" in the face telling him to wake the fuck up. "YB" out of nowhere starts purposely banging his head in walls and then later on the mirror in the bathroom. "Shame" goes next door into my room and jumps on 'Squirrels" bed so he can wake up. "Squirrel" wasn't moving for nothing and if he wasn't snoring I would of thought he was fucking dead!! Out of nowhere "Squirrel" gets up, then him and "Shame" start smacking each other. I had enough of watching wasted white guys abuse each other so me some of the other guys decided to go to the fight because it was like 15 bouts that night. M.M.A. apparently is a sport that attracts A LOT of a good looking white chicks. I've NEVER seen so many white chicks with big butts in my life and yet alone in 1 place. So after about an hour of watching random people fight it was time for my co-worker to fight. And I was disappointed, this dude got his ass kicked!! He hit the dude like 4 times maybe 5 times and then was just fighting for his life for the other 10 minutes of the fight until dude choked his ass out. I heard after the fact the my co-worker was leaking blood from his ears!! I can't fuck any sport thats going to make my brain hemorage. After the fight is when the party really started because it was a lot more of co-workers around. One of my co-workers brought some dude he grew up with who turned out to be pretty cool. He paid for all my drinks when we were hitting the bars up so he's definitely on my good side. Me and my boy "Paco" got restless so we decided to go play blackjack. I was killing this time, I was up by like $600 before I got stupid and wanted to started betting $100 at a time so that money went real fast. "Paco" gets a call from the security booth because they have "Squirrel" in their custody. Apparently "Squirrel" was asleep on the stairs in the casino and needed to be taken back to the room. We had to take this clown back to the room so he wouldn't be falling asleep in random ass places anymore. When we leave the room and get back downstairs some dude is layed out in front of the elevator. Supposedly he started talking slick to 1 of the fighter and got knocked the fuck out real quick. Me and "Paco" link back up with some of our co-workers then I hear the most ridiculous story I've heard in years. "Shame" says he met a chick at the bar and her boyfriend gives him 4 grams of cocain to let her suck "Shame's" dick while he beats off!!! That is most ridiculous story I've heard in 2008, hands down!!! After losing the most of my money I decide to call it quits and get some food. Somehow these bastards want to charge me $14.50 for a Reuben Club sandwich with french fries!!! I'm not going to lie though, that was a good ass sandwich!! When we get back to the room, we just miss out on "Marine" almost killing someone because he was missing 2 of his pills! "Ginnie" is offering to get me and "Paco" a hooker in case we wanted to get our dicks sucked. At least he didn't offer himself or say that he got his dick sucked and got 4 grams of coke in return, lmao. I finally got too tired to stay up anymore even though "Ginnie"& "Marine" were banging our my door for beer that we didn't have. "Dirty" finally pops up out of nowhere is next door while I was trying to go to sleep so his ass was stuck since he didn't have a key of his own. Apparently though, he leaves the room in the middle of the night to gambles more and then he falls asleep under the Christmas tree in the main lobby. At least that's the story he was telling because security has to bring him upstairs after the fact. That in a nutshell was my trip to Atlantic City and I will be back very shortly because I realized once I got home that I was unknowingly counting cards while playing blackjack. From what I'm told that pretty damn good because they use like 6 decks of cards to try to keep people from doing just that. Maybe I'll hit it big next time around............

Epiphany.......

Currently listening to: Next " Too Close "

             Last night I woke up in the middle of yet another cold New Jersey night and had an epiphany. It was like a sign from God enlightening me on a mistake I've been making in my life. Through my epiphany I realized that I can never attain the perfection necessary to be with someone I hold very near & dear to my heart. The moment I begin to think I'm perfect is the very same moment I am off of my game. Perfection is an ongoing process and is never really ever attained in my eyes. So all this time, I've been thinking I need to be perfect but in reality I need to continue to strive for that very same perfection. Now I don't know in which direction my energy will be focused as a result of this epiphany. I still have some reservations about a lot of things so I have to pick & choose my spots so to speak. Once I do figure out where to direct this new found energy and drive for perfection those close to me will be the beneficiaries of great results, mark my words! Let my strive for ongoing perfection begin

All Grown Up......

Currently listening to: Charles Hamilton " Women Hate Women "

               It still seems like a dream to me when I think of my sister having a baby. It seems to me like yesterday when were 2 young kids growing up on Hunterdon Street in Newark, NJ. Even though my sister is only 5 years older than me she has always been like another mother to me in some ways. I'll never forget when my sister beat this fat bitch's ass because she broke my Batman action figure and then the bitch still gave my sister the money back to boot. When my mother and father split up that forced my sister to grown up a lot faster then she should've had to. We were only 8 and 13 respectively but my sister always made sure I was taken care of while my mother was grinding for her children. There were times when my sister would go out into the dangerous streets of Newark to get me a slice of pizza because I was hungry and my mother was too busy working to go food shopping. Thinking back on it now, I don't know how my sister was doing all this shit because she was only 13 at the time. Even as we both got older, my sister would always make sure I had what I needed. Now that my sister is starting her own family I know that she will be great mother to my niece because of the times she took care of her baby brother. 

Welcome new readers.......

Currently listening to: Kanye West "Love Lockdown"

       So I've noticed that a few new people have been checking my blog. I figured I'd take this time to dibble and dabble into the man that goes by the name Rich Porter. First off, Rich Porter isn't my real name but I tell all the new people I come across that it is. No need to just be having my name floating around in the streets. If we ever become close then I'll tell you what my name is.  I'm a supervisor at UPS and have been for the last 3 1/2 years. I feel my job is more like babysitting rather than supervising. I never thought supervising adults would be so stressing. I remember before I was a supervisor, I actually made decisions on my own without my supervisor telling me what to do. I'm also very much in love with this woman but I probably will never have the gumption to make anything happen between us. I realized that I don't live up to my own expectations of what I feel she deserves from a man. I enjoy playing basketball, drinking, playing Xbox 360, occasionally going to the club. I pretty much just do most of the things a 24 year old man enjoys doing. I'm pretty much your average Joe but in the same sentence I'm very different. I have the utmost confidence in myself and my abilities. Some people say I'm a little cocky but I can live with that because I won't allow anyone to ever put me down. I have a passion for fashion. I love having fresh clothes and especially shoes. My mother told me when I was younger that a girl always notices a guys shoes. So she always kept my shit looking sharp and when I got old enough to dress myself then I took it to another level. I have several guilty pleasures such as; milkshakes, girl with pretty smiles, bbq chicken, etc.... I'd like to say thank you to all the new people who come across my blog and I hope you continue to read along. Feel free to comment anytime...

The American Way.....

Currently listening to: Dru Hill " 5 Steps "

               As of late at work I've noticed several of my co-workers practicing the same shameless habit. All the co-workers I've observed have been doing something we call "throwing someone under the bus". That's a phrase we use basically to say someone is using another co-worker like a sacrificial lamb to save their well being. But in these cases, they have been doing it to highlight themselves. I've never been a person to put another person down in order to glorify myself but I notice that some of my co-workers feel the need to do so. I feel my performance speaks enough for itself and that I don't need to point out the faults of others to make me look even better than I do. I know I perform my job at a more than competent level so I just go about my daily routine. I try make sure that I don't get caught slipping so I'll be in a position to get "thrown under the bus". I just know after watching this low life activity take place that I will always watch my back at work from here on out.

Dream Girl.........

Currently listening to: Stevie Wonder  " All I do "

         Last night, a good female friend of mine asked me what kind of females am I attracted to. I was actually stumped on that very question. But ever since I was younger I've just taken qualities from all the girls I've went out with or talked to then rolled them into 1 perfect woman. So in my mind there is 1 supreme woman that would garner my full interest. She would have a voice that it is soft & delicate but strong enough to command respect whenever she speaks. She may not be a genius but she has a thirst for knowledge. She's always seeking to stay in the know and not becoming a stranger to the world around her. She has a passion for the things she believes in and holds true to her. She has unstoppable drive and will never allow anyone to derail her from what she has her mind set to do. She has a mild to strong interest in the sports world because Lord knows I can watch ESPN all day if need be. She can hold her own ground in any situation and doesn't need a man to back her up. Even though sometimes a man feels the need to be a man and have his woman's back. She will be strong enough to say " Nah, I got this ". She doesn't just give her love away but once you have her love, you should feel highly favored and count your blessings. She has a strong sense of fashion but doesn't have to dipped in the finest designers. She just knows what to wear that makes her look sexy. She's definitely someone I can introduce the family to without hesitation. She's a woman who can make every woman in this world seem like they are in her shadow. There would be no comparison to her and if there is, its just to see how short other woman come short of being her. Now I would be being naive if I said how she looked doesn't matter because someone's appearance it what draws you to them in the 1st place. She doesn't need to be the most beautiful woman on Earth but being pretty damn sure wouldn't hurt. Idealy, she would be brown skin ( like coffee with 2 creams kinda skin tone to be perfect) to dark skin. Light skin woman really aren't my catch of the day but I wouldn't turn a blind eye to 1 worth associating myself with. She'd keep herself fit regardless if she's just naturally slim or she hits the gym. Nothing against fat chicks but I'm too skinny to be with any of them. She has lips that will make you want to catch every word she say right out of the air. She keeps her hair done regardless if it's actually her own or if she bought a little extra. Her ass has to be just right which is kinda hard to explain. It just has to suite her body nicely...... Not too big and not too small, just 1 of the booties when she walks by you say " She's got a nice butt ". Her keeping the hands and feet done is 2nd nature. She does that as if it's breathing. 

         So none of what I wrote directly addresses the question I was initially asked to answer. Usually when 1st getting to know a female I keep these things and a couple of more qualities in my mind. As I get to know her, I cross the things she has in common with my blueprint off like a grocery list. In the end, most of what I've outlined compliments who I am as a man.

When getting with a female was easy.....

Currently listening to: Another Bad Creation " Iesha "

       

          While listening to this song, I started to wonder about the days when getting with a girl was easy. I remember when I was like 7 or 8 and when I liked a female all I had to do was just punch her somewhere. Even more so, if I really liked her then I would buy her a bag of chips or walk her home from school. When did starting a relationship with a female become so damn difficult!?!? Now you have to start a conversation with her and then find what she likes. Then you have to ask her out and then on top of that you have to make sure its somewhere good so she don't think you're a fuckin' clown. How about I just send a note to a female on a napkin at the bar saying " Do you think I'm cute yes or no " with 2 boxes to check a response? I'm really going to try take it back to the old school days so ladies should be forewarned that if I like you then I'm going to use some childish way to let you know that. Also I'm going to use some childish way to find out if you're interested in me. Why am I going to do all of this? Pretty much because I can and to keep things interesting. I just hope some chick doesn't call the cops when I punch her in the arm or push off of a chair, LOL. They should just know that I find them attractive and want to get to know them better. Fuck buying a girl a drink, nothing says " I think you're fly" like just pulling a girl's hair or tripping her as she walks in stilettos. 

Moment Of Pride.......

Currently listening to: Young Jeezy feat. Nas " My President Is Black "

                 At first, I wasn't really overly moved about Barack Obama becoming president elect of our country. Don't get me wrong, I very much understood the significance of this historical event. But if really didn't hit me until my mother came upstairs to tell me at well past 11 p.m about the news ( my mother never comes upstairs to tell me anything she usually calls me to relay messages ). I know how much older people like her and those even older must be proud to see a black man become the future president of the United States Of America. Then shortly after Barack came out to address the people and I felt extremely moved. I don't believe him to be the savior of this country like many people believe but I do believe he will help turn this country in a new direction. The problems of this country and the world are far too great for any 1 man to turn around single handily. I saw several notable African-Americans at rallies in different places crying their eyes out in jubilation and I couldn't help but get a little teary eyed myself. I'm usually not 1 who likes to make things about race but " Damn, we got a black president ". I bet all those white slave owners are rolling over in their graves right now with a black president officially only months away. I now know how all those older people felt to see Jackie Robinson break the color barrier in baseball. So years from now when I have children and they read their history books, I can say to them " I remember that as if it were yesterday ". It was also good to share this moment with a good friend of mine because he passion for this cause actually helped sway my vote. If not for her, I probably wouldn't have voted at all. To hear cries the tears of joy over the phone also helped me realize how much this means to a lot of people. So even if I'm not exactly jumping in the air and clicking my heels at the new horizon. I can definitely tip my hat to a man who has given so many people hope and thats regardless of their race, religion, or sexual orientation.....

I'm gonna be an uncle.........

Currently listening to: Ginuwine " Superhuman "

          I've known for quite sometime that my sister is expecting her 1st child early next year. But now that this year is almost over, that fact is actually hitting. I'm actually going to be an uncle! Like I always just call myself an uncle with my friends kids but now I'm actually going to be an uncle. With my sister having a baby, that's at least stop the grandchildren request coming from my mother. But now people want to ask me when am I going to have a child. WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT!?!? I don't even have a fucking girlfriend so let's digress and take things 1 step at a time. But I wonder what kind of uncle will I be? I remember the kinds of things I always did with my uncle (RIP) but then I can't do those things because my sister is having a girl. This is definitely going to be a new experience full of learning for me but I'm sure that when the day comes that I'll be ready for the challenge of being an uncle.

I am my father's son.............

Currently listening to: Common feat. Lauryn Hill " Retrospective For Life "

          So today I get a phone call from my father and I really don't know what the fuck I should say about that. I mean I haven't seen my father in so long I don't really remember what the dude looks like too much anymore. I love the man because he helped bring life to the wonderful man that writes this blog. Thinking of how he hasn't been around just motivates me to be the complete opposite of everything that he embodies. I really can't say what I will be for sure in the future years but I can say 1 thing I won't be and that's anything close to what my father is/was. Tell me how this nigga gets mad at me because he came back home a couple of years ago and I didn't want to see him though?!?! Nigga must not realize I'm ass grown man and that I don't need him to start being my father. I been more of a father to myself in the past 15 years of my life than he has been to me!!! Whenever I decide to actually have a child, I know that if I'm not the same kind of father as my biological was to me then that's pretty damn good in itself. At the end of the day, I am my father's son but I always will be my own man and strive to be everything that he's not!!

Interesting development......

Currently listening to: M.I.A. " Paper Planes "

                I haven't really been into the whole political scene but when a friend sent me this message on facebook I thought it was pretty interesting. Check it out for yourself..........

WHAT IF:

Obama/Biden vs McCain/Palin, what if things were switched around?.....think about it.

Would the country's collective point of view be different? Could racism be the culprit?

Ponder the following:

What if the Obamas had paraded five children across the
stage, including a three month old infant and an unwed, pregnant teenage
daughter?

What if John McCain was a former president of the Harvard
Law Review? 

What if Barack Obama finished fifth from the bottom of his
graduating class?

What if McCain had only married once, and Obama was a 
divorcee?

What if Obama was the candidate who left his first wife
after a severe disfiguring car accident, when she no longer measured up to his standards?

What if Obama had met his second wife in a bar and had a
long affair while he was still married?

What if Michelle Obama was the wife who not only became
addicted to pain killers but also acquired them illegally through her 
charitable organization?

What if Cindy McCain graduated from Harvard?

What if Obama had been a member of the Keating Five?
(The Keating Five were five United States Senators accused of corruption
in 1989, igniting a major political scandal as part of the larger Savings
and Loan crisis of the late 1980s and early 1990s.)

What if McCain was a charismatic, eloquent speaker?

What if Obama couldn't read from a teleprompter?

What if Obama was the one who had military experience that included
discipline problems and a record of crashing seven planes?

What if Obama was the one who was known to display publicly, on many
occasions, a serious anger management problem?

What if Michelle Obama's family had made their money from beer distribution?

What if the Obama's had adopted a white child?

You could easily add to this list. 
If these questions reflected reality, do you really believe the election numbers would be as close as they are?

This is what racism does. 
It covers up, rationalizes and minimizes positive qualities in one candidate and emphasizes negative qualities in another
when there is a color difference.

Educational Background:

Barack Obama:
Columbia University - B.A. Political Science with a
Specialization in International Relations.
Harvard - Juris Doctor (J.D.) Magna Cum Laude

Joseph Biden:
University of Delaware - B.A. in History and B.A. in
Political Science
Syracuse University College of Law - Juris Doctor (J.D.)

Vs.

John McCain:
United States Naval Academy - Class rank: 894 of 899

Sarah Palin:
Hawaii Pacific University - 1 semester
North Idaho College - 2 semesters - general study
University of Idaho - 2 semesters - journalism
Matanuska-Susitna College - 1 semester
University of Idaho - 3 semesters - B.A in Journalism

Education isn't everything, but this is about the two highest offices in
the land as well as our standing in the world. 

You make the call.

 

Shhhhhhhh...........................

Currently listening to: Boy George and The Culture Club " Karma Chameleon "

                      I learned a valuable lesson this morning and thats to keep my fucking mouth shut!!! You have to be very careful about what part of your inner most thoughts you share with others. Not that I'm ashamed of anything that has ever come out of my mouth nor do I regret it. Not to say that I've never said anything that I shouldn't have said but for the most part, I mean what I say and I say what I mean so to speak. Just kinda got placed into an awkward situation earlier but definitely was a learning experience on my part. In the words of the immortal Shawn Carter aka Jay-Z, "....... well fuck it let the fish burn, red or green pill, you live and you learn!! "

Don't talk about it be about it................

Currently listening to: Ron Browz " Pop Champagne " 

                  I a guy with quite a bit of female friends and they always ask me " Why don't you just around fuckin' a whole bunch of bitches like most guys? " I always tell them that I value the penis that I sling. A lot of niggas run around talking the same old " I fucked this girl or she sucked my shit " type of talk. I feel if you handling your shit like you're supposed to then there is no need to be mentioning who you fucked or any of your sexual escapades. Quite honestly, you can find who I had sex with from the female before you would ever hear me speak on it. I stay quiet about my shit because talk is cheap. I'm usually too focused on the work I'm about to put in to be talking shit. In the words of Ray Charles, " Imma make it do what it do baaaaaabbbbbyy ". No need for no fucking verbal previews straight to the main attraction!!! ACTION...............

Emotional memory........

Currently listening to: Jay-Z " Can I Live "

           There is no clear definition for what muscle memory is exactly. From my understanding of the concept muscle memory is when a person constantly participates in the same physical activity and their muscle becomes accustomed to same kind of movement involved in that very same activity. Now that very subject leads into my title, emotional memory. From my experience in life, I believe there is a such thing as emotional memory. Just replace a few key words in my understanding of muscle memory and you have the concept I call emotional memory. I think I may just study this concept because if I'm right I just may be on to something big!! I've grown accustomed to having certain feelings for someone near and dear to my own heart. But after a recent falling out, I've been trying to convince myself that I actually don't feel how I'm accustomed to. They say if you tell yourself something enough times that you start to believe it yourself. It's a lot easier to tell yourself how you feel about a person when you don't speak to them (take my word for it). Now that said person and myself are on speaking terms again my emotional memory is starting to kick in. Contrary to my better judgement, the way I'm accustomed to feeling is rearing it's head once again. But me being the strong minded individual that I am, I just keep it to myself. So do I go against good judgement and act upon familiarity or do I just do what I've been doing so far which is just pretend to be a different person. But the main part of the question is, do I do what I think is best for me or what I feel is best for them?

If my mother asks me 1 more time.........

Currently listening to: Trey Songz " We Should Be "

               I swear if  my mother or step-father ask me 1 more motherfuckin' time when am I gonna bring a girl over for dinner...... I'm gonna lose it!! Now I don't talk about my family too often but I do value them very much. If I was actually engaged in some form of relationship that would require me introducing a female to my family then I would do so. But I'm not so I won't just go around bringing people into my house for dinner. It may seem like a minor act for most people but for me I would consider it a privilege to allow any female to sit amongst my family. I felt kinda weird introducing my moms to this chick who came by my house and had to use the bathroom. Knowing my mother's mindset, she of course thought this chick was my girlfriend. And of course she was wrong! Just a friend coming to say " hello " and console me during a rough experience. I know this matter will come up again especially with Thanksgiving a little over a month away and I just gotta be prepared to hold in fiery for this very subject. 

My baby is comg back to me....

Currently listening to: Jagged Edge " Good Luck Charm "

           So after a couple of months apart, my baby has finally returned to me. Me and my baby had a rather abrupt ending to our relationship but she's coming back to me very soon. No, its not who you think.... it's my XBOX 360!!!! For some random ass reason my XBOX stopped working a couple of months ago but I hesitated to fix the problem. But after months of being miserable, I decided to send her to go get some help. I just received and email letting me know that she's coming back to me soon. I promise that when my baby returns me that I won't ever allow anything to come between us ever again. To show how much I care I'll welcome her with NBA 2k9 when she gets home. See ya soon boo!!!

Breaking The Silence............

Currently listening to: Lupe Fiasco " Dear Fall "

         So other day I made an attempt to break my silence with the female I consider " the love of my life ". I texted her (or least the number when we used to communicate with each other ) against the advice of a close friend to me. Now I didn't get a response and I will admit that it kinda made me sad.  I know that I have done plenty of wrong but this is like running into a brick wall. I know how things are going to turn out but I still continue to try. I guess I'm just silly enough to think things may change. I've tried to move on and it really hasn't worked and I really don't know direction I should be going in right now. Should I make another attempt to break the silence or should I just accept that I ruined a good thing and just be a miserable 24 year old black man?

My 1st debate.......

Currently listening to: T.I. " What up, What's Haapnin' "

       So yesterday, I decided that I would watch that debate because of all the twitter updates I was receiving via text message. Now I'm not into politics the least bit but I figured it was time for me to stop being ignorant to what was going on around me and listen up. Now being as though I barely knew what the fuck the 2 V.P. candidates were talking about I was very much just  listening to rambling. I don't need to know what someone is talking about to know if they believe what it is that is coming out of their mouth. It was very evident that Biden believed what he was saying. It was like Palin was just reading off a piece of paper or something. But this peaked my interest and I will be watching the debate next week and the future debates until the election. My vote is very much up in the air of now so let's get it on..............

Moment Of Clarity............

Currently listening to: Andre 3000 " Prototype "

             So last night a good friend of mine called me with a dilemma. Her " significant other " is on his usual bullshit and trying to have his cake and eat it too. He's been telling her 1 thing and doing another thing. Now the part where I come in is because he's my homie. Now I'm aware of some of things that he does but its not my place to put the next man's business in the streets so I keep them to myself but at the same time I try to let her know that maybe she should move on. I'm definitely not the person to be listening to for advice on love and happiness so listen to my advice at your own expense. I just hope things work out for her no matter what she unltimately decides to do with her situation.

             Everyone has that 1 special someone that they can tell anything to and feel totally comfortable. I used to have someone like that but I don't have them around anymore. Now I wonder, do I get to find another 1 or do I just have to keep things to myself from now on? If I were to attempt to find someone else to share that bond of confidence with does that make what my former confidence bearer and I had less special? I think it just may make the things I shared before a lot less special. So I guess I will just have to keep some things I want to say all bottled up from now because I don't they're coming back. Maybe I should start a journal on some Anne Franke shit!!! Decades from now check my attic and it'll be stashed away somewhere but just make sure my family gets the money made off of my infamous thoughts!

Obsession Part duex

Currently listening to: Max B " Paperwork "

         On my other blog I had in the past I wrote about obsession but I don't even really remember what it is that I wrote ( don't care to go back and check either ). But most people are obsessed with things such as money, sex, drugs, power, fame, etc. As for myself, I've got an obsession over a female. Now even though the female of discussion wants nothing to do with me for the time being and for the foreseeable future I still make it my business to read her blog frequently ( no need for comment because I know what you may be thinking ). I check her "tweets" on Twitter too and I'm not ashamed to say I just may be obsessed. Now every since we've stopped talking to each other I've been in this funk. I really don't shit but go to work and then come in the house. I don't know if thats a reflection of my drastic change in life or just because I just don't feel like doing anything. But I know being with this female is like 1 of the very few things I ever felt was worth me exerting any extra energy into doing. That's not to say that I did everything that I could to make it happen because if that were so then I wouldn't even be in this situation. My feelings often waver over this but thats usually when my pride gets in the way. Recently I've been kind of " talking " this chick and at 1st when I started " talking " to her I never thought about my obsession ( that purely because of my pride telling me that I should move on ). But now whenever I talk to this other girl, it just reminds me constantly of my obsession. So I guess with my failed attempt to move on out of the way I have to get back on my grind. I got to go back to the way I was on it when my obsession was more than a 2 hour drive down the Garden State Parkway, back to when I sent flowers just to let her know I love her, or when we would talk on the phone until she fell asleep. So now I got to refocus my energy and make it happen this time around because I honestly never see myself ever wanting something else as bad again in my life.......

When the dust settles!!

Currently listening to: The Game feat. Lil Wayne " My Life "

                In my mind, I always will be the be the 2ND greatest human being to walk the face of the Earth ( Jesus being the 1st ) but sometimes I just wonder if I'm walking in the right path. I'm not a guy who wants to make sure that his footsteps are heard because I would rather leave my footprints for others to see when I'm gone. There are some choices in my life that I will always wonder if it was the right decision but people say " Everything happens for a reason ". I try not to regret things but I can't but help to feel a little regret sometimes because of some life choices. I guess in my attempts to make sure a strong person I have even isolated some valued people in my life. Even though I'm not an insecure man by nature, I do have several severe insecurities. These severe insecurities often drive my questionable decision making. People in this world all have fears regardless of what they may be. Snakes, heights, insects, rejection, etc..... Well my biggest fear is FAILURE!! I like to survey things before I even make an attempt to indulge myself into taking action. I refuse to fail and that's exactly why I at this point in my life right now.  Failure is definitely not an option in my life so that's why I may not have maximized on all the opportunities I have been given in life. So when the dust settles, will I ever really get over my fear to fail!?!? The day I ever accept failure will be the day I'm of no good to the world...........

Fill me in........

Currently listening to: Wyclef Jean feat. Mary J. Blidge " 911 "

          Someone please fill me in to this craze over oral sex going around these days. Now don't get me wrong any form of positive sexual contact is cool with me but I'm not really a big a fan of receiving oral sex. Maybe this is because I've had more than a couple bad experiences with bad oral sex. Now I'm just totally numb to the whole experience and can careless either way if I receive oral during my sexual encounters from here on out. Some females take offense to the fact that I don't like oral sex and want to go out of their way to change my mind. Does my dick have a sign on it saying " Suck me please "...... I don't think so, so let's save both of us some time and get down to business. 

I need to start taking my own advice........

Currently listening to : Bilal " Fast Lane "

         Every so often 1 of my friends approaches me with advice and I let them know how the situation they are in. Sometime I give good advice and sometimes it's not so good advice. Basically, you should just do whatever you feel is right for yourself. I need to just start listening to my own damn advice instead of looking to other people for a guiding hand. I know what the fuck is best for my life and how I react to or handle certain things. I'm going to take a deep breath and listen to some of my own words of advice. I'm the author of my life story and I'm writing in pen........... can't change the mistakes that I've made.

Got exactly what I thought I wanted...........

Currently listening to: 112 " Still Love "

         So I've got exactly what I thought I wanted out of my situation. I feel like a complete ass because I made it a point to push away someone I honestly do love to death. I remember when I was a little kid and I saw everything that went on between my parents I told myself that I'd never fall in love. When I finally did, the idea scared the shit out of me. People say you learn how to deal with women from the men you grew up with. I feared that I would be like my father. My father will still tell my mother he loves her knowing all the bullshit he put her and us threw. I couldn't even take the chance of knowing those same tendencies would ever surface in me ( the apple doesn't fall from the tree they say ). So I pushed her away, said things I know I didn't mean, and thought it would make things better. Well in all actuality, I'm worse than my father was because I purposely attacked someone's emotions. But I just couldn't stand not being able to communicate with her the way I was used to communicating with her. It hurt me a lot when she told me that she wasn't going to waste her words on me. I definitely know that's it all over now but I'm both sad and happy about that because I definitely don't deserve anyone in my life that I can intentionally hurt their feelings. This is definitely 1 of those moments I'm going to look back on and say " Damn, you're an idiot Sharif !!! " Sadly to say, I honestly feel better now than I did before just to know that all this heartbreak is over. Like But this is what I was trying to get accomplished so I'm going to " MAN UP " as my homie Sarath would say and keep it moving. I'm seriously going to get on my knees and pray to God about some things. I'm going to pray that she gets a guy who deserving of her and I'm going to pray that I remember this for the rest of my life. So if and when I ever even think I love a girl I remember how I treated this 1st girl I loved and then I'll just end things right then and there......

Hi Hater............

Currently listening to: Maino feat. T.I., Plies, Swizz Beatz, Jadakiss, and Fabolous " Hi Hater (rmx) "

      So within the past week I've been doing several things conscientiously and sub-conscientiously to make not like me. Now at the time I thought this was the way to go but in retrospect I realize that I'm not that evil. My conduct is/was very wrong, immature, and I should be above those kind of childish activities. Attempting to make enemies is no way to live life so I'm gonna just attempt to be above that by just keeping to myself. I take pride in the fact that most people I've come across in my lifetime tend to like who I am. When I leave this earth I don't want people snickering saying " fuck him.... I couldn't stand him.... he wasn't shit ". So lets just consider this an apology, regardless if anyone I have offended may even read this. I just feel a lot better coming to peace with this amongst myself. 

Love Is For Suckers.........

Currently listening to: New Edition " If It Isn't Love "

        Now I realize that looking from the sideline that love is for suckers. I see people constantly upset or in tears because of the result of their feelings for the one they are in love with. I mean I guess when shit is going well then love is great but when shit is on the rocks then that shit sucks. I know there is nothing in this world that is positive 100 % of the time but I see too many people around me been hurt by this "love" nonsense. No this blog isn't in reflection with my experience with this nonsense but just in reflection of some things my friends have confided in me about.If this love shit means letting someone getting close to your heart to be able to hurt you then I will pass. So to all of my heart broken friends, remember that when you give your heart to someone that you can never get it back the same way it was before you gave it away. Be careful who you decide is worth having that piece of you...........

A glimpse of the future...........

Currently listening to: Philly's Most Wanted " Please Don't Mind "

        Earlier today I was at the diner with a friend of mine and I saw an older black guy come in with his girlfriend/wife. I thought to myself, what will I dress like when I get like mid 30s to early 40s? I'm pretty stylish guy right now but I wonder if that will carry over to when I'm older and need to be more reserved. I think a nice polo shirt, some straight leg jeans, and some all white forces is pretty solid attire for a man of his mid 30s to early 40s.

       Also, its about to start getting pretty nippy outside so I'm need to get some new winter time clothing. Another accessory I need for the winter time is a lady to hang out with. Not a girlfriend but just a female you know to do shit with. Go to the movies, shopping, basketball games, etc...... So I'm on the prowl for a new lady friend or maybe even someone I already know ( who knows how this search will end up ).

Heart Of A Killer...........

Currently listening to:  Omarion " Icebox "

          My mother always told me that when I get upset I have an evil look in my eye as if I could kill a person. You know what, I know I am very capable of taking the life of another human being. Hate is an emotion I don't like to exercise but sometimes I feel it in brief spurts. The part of me that has some compassion tells me that it isn't right and then the feeling subsides. My friend Sarath thinks that I have a feeling of hatred for a certain someone who shall remain nameless. To set the record straight, I don't hate anybody ( plenty of people I strongly dislike but not hate ) because to hate is to let someone push you to the limit. I will not allow myself to ever be pushed to the limit. Nobody walking the face of this Earth is worth the time it takes to hate someone. But I do look in the mirror and see that look my mother tells me about. I don't get angry very often so when I do people should stay clear because I do get very irrational. I can do things I know will hurt people at times ( intentionally too) and have little regard of the outcome. That why I say heart of a killer, a killer can totally dismember another person and have no emotion. Sometime I just feel like I have an icebox where my heart should be ( yes I know thats part of a song ) and then I try to find some light in the situation. As of now I've almost approached the light at the end of the tunnel.................

I wonder........

Currently listening to: T.I. feat Kanye West, Jay-Z, and Lil Wayne " Swagger Like Us "

    Recently in my attempt to make progress from horrible heartbreak I've been associating myself with both females of old and new acquaintanceship. I've never been 1 to question what draws the opposite sex to me because I know damn well what it is. But I wonder what draws me to the opposite sex?!?! Like every female I like is night and day, for the most part none of them are a like. I know 1 thing is that I like females who don't allow me to bullshit them which is good because that shows they know how to stand up for themselves ( if a female is gonna let me run all over her, you better believe that I'm damn sure gonna do it ). I realize that what's starting to attract me to this 1 female and probably shouldn't because she got a boyfriend. But then again I don't feel bad because she's always tryna be around me ( where the fuck yo damn boyfriend at?!?!? ). I do respect what the next man has so thats exactly have to remind this chick constantly that she has a boyfriend ( 1 who's she been with for like 2-3 years, I know I could easily get in between their relationship but that ain't my style ). Then there's this new chick I met like a week ago. She seems real quiet and reserved which is something I'm not really used to. But I bet she's a big ass freak because it's always the quiet who like to get loose behind closed doors. Its fairly safe to say that my "romantic" life has taken an interesting turn since my experience with being in love. Until tomorrow I'll throw in a quote from Richard Ramirez (convicted serial killer, google that man )"You don't understand me, you are not expected to, you are not capable of it. I am beyond your experience. I am beyond good and evil."

Love In The Club........

Currently listening to: Cam'ron feat Jim Jones & Fredricka " Me, My Moms, and Jimmy "

            So last I went to this West Indian club in Brooklyn for my friend's birthday ( of course it was a female but not just any female. It's the same female friend with a boyfriend who I went out with like a month ago and it caused like WW III ). This was a very interesting night which lead to a good debate at the end of the night. This may have been the 1st time I ever been to any club in New York where the DJ was good. Dude was spinning some good records and not just all that nonsense people in New York listen to most of the time. But anyway, the debate of men who can't dance came about. Now I have always been a guy with plenty of rhythm  and have always had females tell me I'm a great dancer ( speaking of which this bitch asked me what island was I from just because I know all the reggae dances, I'm as american as apple pie ). So this chick is mad because the guy she came with can't dance and of course I find this hilarious. So we start talking and she says that he's lay good pipe down and I'm tryna figure out what's the big deal then. If putting that pipe down, who gives a shit if he can't!?!? But she says that shit is embarassing because she needs a guy she can take to the club. If I were her I'd just have someone I go to the club with. So the comparison of sex and dancing comes up....... 1 chick said that most likely if a guy can't dance then he can't fuck. Now of course that's not a full proof theory because the chick before said the dude who couldn't dance was handling his business in the sheets. So now that convo makes the question of the day...... if a person of the opposite sex can't dance do you assume they can't have sex well!?!?!

Brand new start.........

Currently listening to: Shawty Lo feat. Rick Ross & Jay-Z " Let's Get It "

      Not too long ago I previously had another blog but I stopped using the blog because of a change in my life ( the person who inspired me to start that blog isn't exactly 1 of my favorite people anymore and that's being modest ). I liked the blogging concept so I decided to start over and just blog about what ever the fuck I feel like blogging about regardless of when or where. I tried not to blog too much before but now I think I should blog as often as possible. 

       

      Apparently 1 of my female friends thinks it's something wrong with me talking to a white girl. But she's 1 of them political types who think black men should stay with their own. But what if I actually came across a female of another race who's good for me!?! Should I say " Nah, we can't go out I need me a sister "?! Happiness knows no race, religion, creed, or walk of life. Not like I'm gonna marry this chick anyway..... shit I probably won't even fuck her. Just got her number because she was cute and I was drunk in the club. Find me 1 man who calls all the numbers he gets from the club and I'll show you a loser. All I know is that I'm returning to my former self because I get a lot better results treating females like shit than I did when I attempted to treat 1 like she was worth something. So if a female can't really serve me a purpose besides fuckin' her then she's useless. All females got pussy so they gonna have to bring something else to the table.