So I've got exactly what I thought I wanted out of my situation. I feel like a complete ass because I made it a point to push away someone I honestly do love to death. I remember when I was a little kid and I saw everything that went on between my parents I told myself that I'd never fall in love. When I finally did, the idea scared the shit out of me. People say you learn how to deal with women from the men you grew up with. I feared that I would be like my father. My father will still tell my mother he loves her knowing all the bullshit he put her and us threw. I couldn't even take the chance of knowing those same tendencies would ever surface in me ( the apple doesn't fall from the tree they say ). So I pushed her away, said things I know I didn't mean, and thought it would make things better. Well in all actuality, I'm worse than my father was because I purposely attacked someone's emotions. But I just couldn't stand not being able to communicate with her the way I was used to communicating with her. It hurt me a lot when she told me that she wasn't going to waste her words on me. I definitely know that's it all over now but I'm both sad and happy about that because I definitely don't deserve anyone in my life that I can intentionally hurt their feelings. This is definitely 1 of those moments I'm going to look back on and say " Damn, you're an idiot Sharif !!! " Sadly to say, I honestly feel better now than I did before just to know that all this heartbreak is over. Like But this is what I was trying to get accomplished so I'm going to " MAN UP " as my homie Sarath would say and keep it moving. I'm seriously going to get on my knees and pray to God about some things. I'm going to pray that she gets a guy who deserving of her and I'm going to pray that I remember this for the rest of my life. So if and when I ever even think I love a girl I remember how I treated this 1st girl I loved and then I'll just end things right then and there......
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