Let It Loose.....

Currently listening to: Jay Electronica "Victory In My Clutches"


So I never actually really got an answer as to why the cream hasn't risen to the top for me(I know some people may wonder why I always talk in analogies) but I've also made a very difficult decision. I've decided against trying to figure it out any longer & just to move on. Now I'm a man so I'll admit that I've very hurt by this & by no means was it an easy decision for me to make. I'm actually still a little uneasy about this & I may even indeed be wrong for doing this. But as Hov once said "... in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets ". I'm probably going to be pretty damn crabby for the near future but whoever doesn't like it can eat a dick! To be perfectly honest, I feel like I'm being a quitter & that idea does bother me to the upteenth power. Like I haven't quit anything in my adult life after I decided to stop going to college so its definitely been weeded out of my system acting in such a fashion. But it definitely takes a lot more strength to know when to let go of your obsessions when they are not particularly lightening the load you must carry. Now I must redirect my energy, attention, passion, etc. onto something else. What is that something else you may wonder?!? Well if you figure it out before me then holla at me & let me know cause I have no idea. But through it all, this is just another lesson in class of self perfection that I've been enrolled in for some time now. I'll end things on this note... " I don't know the key to success but I know the key to failure is trying to please everyone " - Bill Cosby, until next entry folks!

Black Or White......

Currently listening to: Wale feat. Jazsmine Sullivan "World Tour"


So the last time I posted a new blog I told myself that I would no longer do this but then I remembered why I do. Even though I'm a straight forward person, there are always something you just can't verbalize to people. So I log on here & just pour my soul in these entries for myself & whoever comes along to read them.
Now, I'm a person who likes to lay the specifics of any given situation out so there won't be any misconceptions between anybody. Sometimes that works in my favor & other times it doesn't. I know that I'm a spoiled dude & I'm not used to having things not work in my favor. That really grinds my gears & I always begin to rigorously critic myself. No matter what anyone tells me, I always examine myself after a failed attempt to do anything. Because I'm a firm believer in learning from your mistakes/shortcomings. So when I really can't piece together why I've come short of a goal I begin to get really irritable. As I lay down typing this entry, I reminisce of a contant shortcoming on my behalf. of course there are other factors involved in me falling short of the goal I set out to accomplish but at the end of the day I know its definitely something I could have done/be doing to change that fact. I'm very obsessive right now because it's not even about getting to where I want to be anymore but its more so about me figuring out why did I fall short in the 1st place. I pray that God reveals the answer to this burning question or at least points me in the right direction because I'm severely disturbed by this.

Sister, sister....

Currently listening to: Bilal "Fast Lane"


So today is my big sister's 30th birthday & 1st I'd like to thank God for allowing her to make it this far in life. Secondly, I sincerely hope He allows her to see many more birthdays & for me to able to see them right along with her. I've always said that I won't allow just any ole female to meet my mother but when I think about it I should actually say that about my sister. No female I ever "fucked with" has met my sister. Since me & my sister are pretty close in age her opinion on who I deal with holds a different value than that of my mother. There were times in my life after my mother & father divorced & before my step-father came into play where my sister played "mommy" to me. When my mother was working double shifts crunchin' those numbers for Prudential my sister was making sure her little brother was taken care of. She was only like 12-13 during this time but its something I'll never forget & I more than appreciate it. Even as we both got older she still looked out for me. When she got her 1st "REAL" job she used to just buy me random ass shit & say " I thought you would like nice in this so I got it for you or I saw you need some new basketball sneakers to play in ". Experiencing how she treated me always made me want to have a younger sibiling but its too late now. So today, as my sister celebrates her birthday with her closest family & friends I'll be there for ride. But even when it's just a normal day I'm still there..... even though she pisses me off sometimes, I love more than I love myself (for a self-centered person like me thats a whole lot) & I'd give my life to make sure she has what she needs in life REAL TALK. If you fuck with me then you fuck with my sister.....

When The Blogging Stops.......

Currently listening to: Ghostface Killah feat. Vaughn & Estelle "Paragraphs Of Love"



Last night I had a dream that I've had many times before last night. But the difference this time was that there were some minor changes of character & scenery. Now this isn't the 1st time in which I've had this dreams with different people involved. Crazy thing is, that random faces are involved & I couldn't place a name to them if I wanted to. I just really see that as sign of incumbent changes in my life/lifestyle. Things that I thought were the norm are no longer the norm for me. Usually I blog when I need to get something off of my chest & I don't want to say it to anyone in particular because of the way I know I'll deliver my point. I'm a pretty confrontational person but I do have a heart behind all the ice I've decided to cover it up with. Once I get to know people, I can't just go & hurt their feelings unless I feel they perform an action worthy of that response. But its not always necessarily harmful or offensive dialog in the cases in which I blog. Sometimes I'm just at a lost of what to say. I need to get out of that habit & stop hiding behind the keyboard. Set myself free & just let my pure unadulterated thoughts be spoken. If my words hurt any one's feelings when I do then I'll have to apologize. Just some obstacles in my constant strive for inner perfection.......

Getting Besides Myself

Currently listening to: Gucci Mane "Wasted"


In my last post, I mentioned a need for me to step outside of situations that I'm placed in & attempt to offer up 3rd person advice. Well I must admit that is a very hard thing to do because deep down I know the specifics of the situations I'm attempting to give myself the 3rd person advice on. Knowing these specifics keeps making me give excuses in the back of my head. Good thing for myself & my attempts is that I'm growing ever more pessimistic by the day so now I see the negative side of things more than the positive. 1 particular situation in which I needed to advise myself has been helped along because I've advised a friend of mine in a VERY similar situation. So I'm just going to follow the same advice that I gave them & I should be alright. I'm nowhere near perfect but I still strive for inner perfection. I just want the day when I'm gone for people who know me to say ".... that's the 2nd greatest man to walk the Earth after Jesus". It a long lasting war filled with many inner battles but it's my life purpose. I pray that God allows me to stay in the war long because we all die just a little more with each passing day.

All Things Considered......

Currently listening to: Lupe Fiasco " Hurt Me Soul "



So now in life I find myself in a position which all too familiar to me. I need to master the art of stepping outside myself & examining the shit that I get myself into. Pardon my language, I've been trying to dial down on the profanity but it hasn't exactly been the easiest road. Anyway, I just need to see the happenings of my life & look at them from a 3rd person perspective. Would I give myself the same advice that I would give another person in the same exact situation as myself?? Familiarity breeds content but what is there to be done to turn the familiar into something new? What changes can I make to my familiar routine that will turn things around? I've been here before but I need to learn from my past missteps & make things different this time around. I recognize my history & with the help of God hopefully I will not be doomed to repeat it because I'm not sure if I can take going through the same turmoil again. Stay tuned because this will be an event of catastrophic proportions or something marvelous.......

Hurricane Season....

Currently listening to: Michael Jackson & The Jacksons " Maria (You Were The Only One) "



Once again its been a while since I've written on this blog but I'm home bored as ever so I decided to go in. This summer really hasn't been too good & that's to say the least. Well I kinda got dumped even though I wasn't even officially in a relationship. Someone broke into my car stealing my iPod & car radio. I got a speeding ticket on my own block. These are just minor plot twists in the movie of my life. Like I said before that in my movie that roles will change & some people may even come back on the scene or leave the scene as well for that matter. 1 thing I've noticed in my lifetime is that I think my personality draws some people in. Not to sound cocky because thats not the intent of that comment. Some people just really vibe off of who I am & at the same time other don't but I choose to focus on those who do(why I even shed light on people who don't like me). The chick I used to fuck with now has a revised role in this movie of my life. We still cool & actually see each other on ocassion because we were actually friends before all the wildness popped in her life. She's pretty cool & my mama likes her so she'll definitely have a place into the movie for a while. The female who steered in me in the direction of blogspot has come back around. I reached out to her & broke the silence between us because I really can't even explain how she makes me feel sometimes. I will say this though, I actually put my pride aside for once & made a "mature" decision. I'll lie to anybody on this earth including my mother before I lie to myself. I knew while we weren't talking & I was fucking with the other chick that I still wanted to reach out. Ironically when I finally decided to do it is was like 2-3 weeks before I got " dumped ". I forgot to mention I smoked weed for the 1st time this summer. I can definitely see why people do that shit because everything is funny when you're high. My nigga said peanut butter to me last night while I was high & I laughed at him for over 2o minutes. I wonder can you have sex all day/night when you're high like you can when you're drunk. Hmmmmmm........ maybe 1 day!