Sister, sister....

Currently listening to: Bilal "Fast Lane"


So today is my big sister's 30th birthday & 1st I'd like to thank God for allowing her to make it this far in life. Secondly, I sincerely hope He allows her to see many more birthdays & for me to able to see them right along with her. I've always said that I won't allow just any ole female to meet my mother but when I think about it I should actually say that about my sister. No female I ever "fucked with" has met my sister. Since me & my sister are pretty close in age her opinion on who I deal with holds a different value than that of my mother. There were times in my life after my mother & father divorced & before my step-father came into play where my sister played "mommy" to me. When my mother was working double shifts crunchin' those numbers for Prudential my sister was making sure her little brother was taken care of. She was only like 12-13 during this time but its something I'll never forget & I more than appreciate it. Even as we both got older she still looked out for me. When she got her 1st "REAL" job she used to just buy me random ass shit & say " I thought you would like nice in this so I got it for you or I saw you need some new basketball sneakers to play in ". Experiencing how she treated me always made me want to have a younger sibiling but its too late now. So today, as my sister celebrates her birthday with her closest family & friends I'll be there for ride. But even when it's just a normal day I'm still there..... even though she pisses me off sometimes, I love more than I love myself (for a self-centered person like me thats a whole lot) & I'd give my life to make sure she has what she needs in life REAL TALK. If you fuck with me then you fuck with my sister.....

When The Blogging Stops.......

Currently listening to: Ghostface Killah feat. Vaughn & Estelle "Paragraphs Of Love"



Last night I had a dream that I've had many times before last night. But the difference this time was that there were some minor changes of character & scenery. Now this isn't the 1st time in which I've had this dreams with different people involved. Crazy thing is, that random faces are involved & I couldn't place a name to them if I wanted to. I just really see that as sign of incumbent changes in my life/lifestyle. Things that I thought were the norm are no longer the norm for me. Usually I blog when I need to get something off of my chest & I don't want to say it to anyone in particular because of the way I know I'll deliver my point. I'm a pretty confrontational person but I do have a heart behind all the ice I've decided to cover it up with. Once I get to know people, I can't just go & hurt their feelings unless I feel they perform an action worthy of that response. But its not always necessarily harmful or offensive dialog in the cases in which I blog. Sometimes I'm just at a lost of what to say. I need to get out of that habit & stop hiding behind the keyboard. Set myself free & just let my pure unadulterated thoughts be spoken. If my words hurt any one's feelings when I do then I'll have to apologize. Just some obstacles in my constant strive for inner perfection.......

Getting Besides Myself

Currently listening to: Gucci Mane "Wasted"


In my last post, I mentioned a need for me to step outside of situations that I'm placed in & attempt to offer up 3rd person advice. Well I must admit that is a very hard thing to do because deep down I know the specifics of the situations I'm attempting to give myself the 3rd person advice on. Knowing these specifics keeps making me give excuses in the back of my head. Good thing for myself & my attempts is that I'm growing ever more pessimistic by the day so now I see the negative side of things more than the positive. 1 particular situation in which I needed to advise myself has been helped along because I've advised a friend of mine in a VERY similar situation. So I'm just going to follow the same advice that I gave them & I should be alright. I'm nowhere near perfect but I still strive for inner perfection. I just want the day when I'm gone for people who know me to say ".... that's the 2nd greatest man to walk the Earth after Jesus". It a long lasting war filled with many inner battles but it's my life purpose. I pray that God allows me to stay in the war long because we all die just a little more with each passing day.